


Sweet goodbye

by CriminalMinddump



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Memories, Not only sadness, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 16:10:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14500713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CriminalMinddump/pseuds/CriminalMinddump
Summary: Spencer's last goodbye to the teamI know the title is crappy but the letter isn't. Hopefully.





	Sweet goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry....

To the BAU,  
My family

I’m sorry. I’m terribly sorry that I let you all go through this. I didn’t want to, but I had no other choice. Really.  
It’s no secret that I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember (and that says a lot.) Of course, there were lighter episodes which I enjoyed with all of my heart, but I couldn’t keep on waiting for them to come anymore. It was just over. No new ups for me, no new levels. Even Mario runs out of lives sometimes, and so do I. The immortal lost his soul and gave it away to the sky, leaving my body here on earth. Lifeless. 

I’m wondering who had to be the poor soul finding me. Was it you, Hotch? Worried because I didn’t show up for our monthly counseling-thing? Or you, Morgan, because you saw me desperately cover up the scars that colored my arms like paint on a canvas? Maybe it was you, JJ, or even you, Garcia. I guess I’ll never know. But, again, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for causing you a trauma. But hey, it’s gonna be okay. I almost got used to them and sure, it’ll never be the same, but you’ll get better at pretending. Your mask will become the strongest part of you and you’ll learn how to live with the scars. Well, maybe I’m not the right person to say that according to what happened… but at least I tried. I tried to cope with the feeling of already being dead. You may even say I practiced a bit because I wore my ties tight around my neck, took way too hot showers and snapped a rubber band against my wrist like a string to a guitar. It weren’t human-friendly methods, but they helped me to forget for a while. And when something works, why wouldn’t you believe it’s the right thing to do then? We learnt how to dance with illusions; truth nothing but a piece of glass in the dustbin of happiness.

With this job I had to learn how to trust people. I had to learn that I should share my thoughts and feelings, even when I wanted to cope with them all by myself like I was used to. I don’t want to offend anyone of you, but it felt like nobody thought I was capable of making proper decisions on my own. I didn’t agree and I thought I was always right, but maybe I wasn’t. I was always told to stick to the team and never split up, but when I was too damn stubborn and went looking for the Unsub by myself I got captured, tortured and even killed. And that wasn’t even the worst part… the aftermath, including dilaudid, could have cost me my job, as well as my life. The same thing happened when I was too fucking impatient to wait for a call and started wandering through a house where I found Anthrax, but I could have found death there, too. And when I finally let somebody in in my life and fell in love with every cell I’m made of, she got shot right in front of me, as a kind reminder how vulnerable life is and how much I fail in what I do. I got seriously depressed and, I confess, I’ve attempted to commit suicide… more than once. I know that it all ended up well, but all those times I died a little inside. And all those mini funerals led to this, my real funeral. I did it by myself and I know it isn’t brave, not like getting shot through the heart while you’re saving someone’s life, but not everything in life is meant to be heroic. Not all heroes wear a cape and no soldier is always strong. Giving up doesn’t mean you’re weak, but it means that you have been strong for too long. I was. 

I’m pretty sure that this whole occasion will affect the team, but I don’t know if it’ll be in a positive or negative way. I really hope you all will be strong and smart enough to know that my ending doesn’t have to be the end of the BAU, too. The nation would be lost without you guys. So, Prentiss, please don’t leave again. They all need a strong and independent woman to lean on, and you’re perfect for that role. JJ, this doesn’t mean I haven’t got faith in you, but I know that you need to be there for Henry. Please make sure he knows how much I loved him and that I’ll always do. And don’t take this on yourself too hard. Remember this isn’t your fault. Rossi, please, don’t retire yet. They need a down-to-earth man to remember that a single death of a loved one isn’t the end of the world. And keep on writing, your books are great. Hotch, take care of our family as well as your own. Never let Jack go, he needs you. (wow, I just made a Titanic reference I suppose?) Morgan, please, keep using your brains and stay with the team and Savannah. Neither of them deserve it to see you wandering on the streets, filled with anger and disbelief. Allow yourself to cry and, when time’s ready, move on and pick your life up again. I’m sure you’re capable to do so. And you, lovely, bubbly, genius Garcia, never stop being you. Never stop wearing bright colors or flirting over the phone and promise me you’ll never stop baking your way too sweet but yummie cookies and stuff. A cupcake a day keeps the trigger away! (Too soon?)

Well, this has been a super depressed letter so far and maybe it makes sense, but I don’t want to make everybody believe that I’ve always been this kind of person because I haven’t. I already mentioned them before, but my life has known light days. When we ate Chinese and I miserably failed in using chopsticks for example, or when we sang karaoke at the bar. Or when I got the honor to be Henry’s godfather, when we all celebrated Halloween together or the belated surprise-party for my 30th birthday. When I made a home-run, kissed with Lila Archer in her pool while being photographed and, of course, physics magic. All those moments will forever be in my heart (since I haven’t got brains anymore) and I hope they will be in yours too. A memory hasn’t got to die when a person you share it with does; the memory could even keep me alive, as long as you keep on remembering it. I hope you all will remember me as a person who tried to be there when somebody was in need and, despite my own disbelief, as a good friend. I hope you will remember me the way I was, not the way people told me to be. I’d be completely okay if the first connection your brain makes to my name ‘mismatched socks’ is. I don’t care how you remember me, as long as it doesn’t make you cry because I hate making people sad or worried about me. I hope you could look back at my life and smile, thinking ‘yeah, Spencer. He was weird, but in a unique and beautiful way.’ My goal isn’t to be honored by the whole nation, but to be remembered by the few people I care about. 

I’d be too Idealistic if I demanded you to understand my action now and I know that it takes time, but I hope that you found my explanation plausible enough for now. I’m not like Gideon and I won’t leave just one letter; there’s one for everybody because I believe each and every one of you deserves one last word from me. I allow you to be angry, to cry and to hate me and life because it just isn’t fair. But please, always bear in mind that I want you to be happy, and cherish the moments you have with your friends and people you love. Live life to the fullest and enjoy every second of it. It’ll end way too soon, and then we’ll meet again. I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in attraction and soulmates finding each other. I’m sure we’ll see each other again.

Stay alive, 

Spencer Reid

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if you'd be interested in the personal letters Spencer wrote!  
> English isn't my native language so please tell me if i made stupid mistakes
> 
> Thank you <3


End file.
